So onward to Optimum Health. Pause. Exterminator is here. I am happy. Play. I went to Life Success seminars last night. There was a lot of sharing. I liked it. Fight Club, "This kind of honesty makes me go a big rubbery one." Seriously. I did not want to talk about myself. I felt like it was weird trying to think about what problems I have. Right now it's my relationship with Blueberry and my inability to focus on passing calculus. I am supposed to do 3 pages of journaling. These people who run it, they are good at what they do. A little arrogant but I understand why they must be. They have to know better than who they are helping.
Mike must have breakfast everyday at a restaurant with someone. That makes me laugh. He's like the mean dad or grandpa. I am going to have to be more honest about how my problem is my romantic relationship. I feel like I'm trying to say I don't have problems. Ugh. I do. We all do. I just don't want to amplify mine. I think it hurts you.
So he can't handle our relationship because it's too much pressure wondering if I'm the right one. He worries about it all the time. Which I find hard to believe since he's so busy with lots of business meetings. He watches sports all the time and when he doesn't do those things then he's with me. So we decided after much crying that we needed to spend less time together. Which is fine with me. We are addicted to each other. I don't like focusing? Anyway. I like to draw and write. I want to work on a movie idea that's been floating around my head. I told Robin and she wants to act in it. Nothing big. Nothing fantastic. Just good. Just something I can put a lot of hard work into because I enjoy movies and stories and I want to make my own. I've been inspired. I think the purpose of a human is to create.
Having a relationship is important to me. I love love. I love being in love. For the first time in my life I have found someone I really love. I would do anything for him. I say that because I trust him. I trust that he would never ask me to hurt anyone or hurt anyone else or hurt me on purpose. I trust that he would do what it takes to help our relationship flourish.
At the end of August he broke it off. We fixed it after a week. I do not hold it against him. If you don't have early relationship experience where you get to break up with people then I think relationships are scary. And they still are to me. I remember dating boys in Highschool. I broke up with 10 or more guys. We would be boyfriend and girlfriend and after a week I'd meet them at their locker and I'd say,"I can't do this. I don't like you anymore. I'm sorry." I'd walk away feeling like shit. There was nothing wrong with them. I liked them. They were all cute. Nice. Sweet. Liked me a lot. But I'd go home thinking that I was with someone. And the idea would freak me out. It wasn't until senior year that I had my first real relationship. My highschool sweetheart. We moved out together. I gained the freshman fifteen and it was over after 2 years. This one was devastating. I sulked for three months. Anyway, I've had a couple more serious relationships.
A couple guys broke up with me and I can tell you, looking back I felt like I was some obsessed weirdo, but then I'd chat with my girlfriends and realize they were weirdos too.
I think I already told Blueberry this, but I know now that I was just looking for the right person. I found him this time. I love him the way he is and I hope he doesn't think himself out of being with me. I don't know if I should put this up or not.
I think dealing with emotional problems is part of being physically healthy, too. I put up a lot of resistance to Life Success. But it's ok. This is good for me. Good for us.
