Rubber Ducks

So onward to Optimum Health. Pause. Exterminator is here. I am happy. Play. I went to Life Success seminars last night. There was a lot of sharing. I liked it. Fight Club, "This kind of honesty makes me go a big rubbery one." Seriously. I did not want to talk about myself. I felt like it was weird trying to think about what problems I have. Right now it's my relationship with Blueberry and my inability to focus on passing calculus. I am supposed to do 3 pages of journaling. These people who run it, they are good at what they do. A little arrogant but I understand why they must be. They have to know better than who they are helping.
Mike must have breakfast everyday at a restaurant with someone. That makes me laugh. He's like the mean dad or grandpa. I am going to have to be more honest about how my problem is my romantic relationship. I feel like I'm trying to say I don't have problems. Ugh. I do. We all do. I just don't want to amplify mine. I think it hurts you.
So he can't handle our relationship because it's too much pressure wondering if I'm the right one. He worries about it all the time. Which I find hard to believe since he's so busy with lots of business meetings. He watches sports all the time and when he doesn't do those things then he's with me. So we decided after much crying that we needed to spend less time together. Which is fine with me. We are addicted to each other. I don't like focusing? Anyway. I like to draw and write. I want to work on a movie idea that's been floating around my head. I told Robin and she wants to act in it. Nothing big. Nothing fantastic. Just good. Just something I can put a lot of hard work into because I enjoy movies and stories and I want to make my own. I've been inspired. I think the purpose of a human is to create.
Having a relationship is important to me. I love love. I love being in love. For the first time in my life I have found someone I really love. I would do anything for him. I say that because I trust him. I trust that he would never ask me to hurt anyone or hurt anyone else or hurt me on purpose. I trust that he would do what it takes to help our relationship flourish.
At the end of August he broke it off. We fixed it after a week. I do not hold it against him. If you don't have early relationship experience where you get to break up with people then I think relationships are scary. And they still are to me. I remember dating boys in Highschool. I broke up with 10 or more guys. We would be boyfriend and girlfriend and after a week I'd meet them at their locker and I'd say,"I can't do this. I don't like you anymore. I'm sorry." I'd walk away feeling like shit. There was nothing wrong with them. I liked them. They were all cute. Nice. Sweet. Liked me a lot. But I'd go home thinking that I was with someone. And the idea would freak me out. It wasn't until senior year that I had my first real relationship. My highschool sweetheart. We moved out together. I gained the freshman fifteen and it was over after 2 years. This one was devastating. I sulked for three months. Anyway, I've had a couple more serious relationships.
A couple guys broke up with me and I can tell you, looking back I felt like I was some obsessed weirdo, but then I'd chat with my girlfriends and realize they were weirdos too.
I think I already told Blueberry this, but I know now that I was just looking for the right person. I found him this time. I love him the way he is and I hope he doesn't think himself out of being with me. I don't know if I should put this up or not.
I think dealing with emotional problems is part of being physically healthy, too. I put up a lot of resistance to Life Success. But it's ok. This is good for me. Good for us.

Almost the Shittiest Halloween Ever

But not the earlier stuff with Danny's rents. Later schtuff. Well, Day one of November Health Month. Hungover with Flu. Going to Life Success. Went to Loving Hut. Took two e3 pills, 3 vitamins, 2 emergen-C packets and lotsa salad with my leftover kale.

I'm Gonna Kill You

Last day of USS Nightmare for me. Spending Halloween with Danny's parents and passing out candy. I want to add more pics to the blog. November is Health Month for me and I will post pics of the healthy things I partake in. This is a tea I drink when I feel like I'm about to get sick. Like now. And that is a young Thai coconut. And they are yummy.

Think I'm Just Happy

So. I've been raw vegan for 20 days. I think I'm getting a UTI. Blah. Health is not as optimum as I would like it to be. I'm not going to give up. Drinking lotsa cranberry juice right now. Lakewood. I added agave, but probably shouldn't. Tried baking soda in water and vitamin c. Which I am going to take more of now. If this isn't gone in 3 days I am going to get OTC meds pronto. This is crazy. I have never had one. I ordered 6 bottles of e3 live. 117 dollars. Shit. I swear it made me feel awesome last time I had a couple bottles. Liferegenrator was the last thing that made me buy it. Fuck. I have to close. This thing better go away. I am pretty happy right now though considering.

Hmm feeling pretty comfy

I see myself taking road trip after road trip. Getting lost in the sunsets of the West. Everyday a relaxing ending to a movie. Finding truths about humanity in all-nite diners while I down coffee suspiciously looking around. Seeing beauty in the world on the hood of my car at night while I lie to myself and imagine every single breathing person snuggled up in a bed as I get the sky all to myself. How lucky I am I think. And I take road trip breaks at college learning physics and making all these memory storage areas in my brain full to the brim. And then I'm off again. Maybe I travel overseas or something. And maybe one day I go to space. And some day really far ahead, I travel through time or in some form that will mock the manipulation. Man, I'm going to have to work hard because I'm not a crazy psycho. Crazy psychos get all the mind power and focus. Damn them. Damn them to the hell I don't believe in. I'm going to stop a few of you CP's. Watch out.

Where Did You Sleep Last Night?

In a universe where Missy had 3 kids by two different daddies. One was Bob Dylan. It's in my book, but I like to think that the multiverse is out there and that there are many many versions of you and that somehow you are connected to all of them. In dreams. In dreams you experience a clip of the life of one of your other selves. And it seems really crazy because the laws of physics change with each budding universe and your timeline is different. So when you dreamt* that you got murdered, you really did. Poor you. Have a funeral for yourself, ok?

*I like to use "dreamt" instead of "dreamed". "Dreamt" is apparently more for British people. I met a British guy I think.

And now my health journey: I think I'm going to do a hardcore 30 day raw thing. Soonish. Monday or Tuesday. I'm running a lot more. I try for 30 minutes everyday. Which equals 3-4 times a week. I'm going away from baked goods even though I ate a biscotti today. Sweet+Sara. Yum. I only drink two cups of coffee in the morning. I usually only eat salad. But with fatty dressing. I'm doing ball exercises too and using 10lb weights.

Um. I have to go bye. Going to see if Stephanie wants to do 30 days with me. :)

Kit's Superchild

I see myself slipping. Thinking I am more important than other people. Thinking I'm better or smarter. But I'm not. I goof off. I don't do what I need to do all the time. I feel like I'm running at 25% all the time. I should worry less about others and do my own things. I need to finish the comic book now. Edit my book. Find some readers. Find optimum health for my mind. Blueberries and pancakes go together right? I wonder. There are these moments when I feel like they should sync up better. When I wonder what are the thoughts of blueberries? My thoughts are not constantly about fear. Where is the curiosity? Last night was amazing. I still wanted to sleep with him but I was ok. To feel his breath on my neck, the welcomed tight embrace of his arms pulling me close in his deepest sleep. I just like it, but no, I don't need it. To look someone in the face and say that I want them to stay in my life for a really long time. And mean it. Love is hard. Love is brain chemistry. Some lust is in there? Maybe. I've spoken of trust before, but really, how much do you know yourself? What's right for you? ...I choose what's right for me. Those damn awkward pauses though. What are those? I try not to fill them. I don't want to. What's in that head? Is it really just fear and worry? It may not be mine to give, but I want to give comfort. Well, for now I trust you. I TRUST you. That you want to be beautiful inside and out and that you are. Your modesty, your honesty, your passion for the city I love as well, your loner personality, your maturity, your sexual nature keeping me on my painted toes, the fact that I can keep my shining self in your presence. When I fulfill some of my goals, I think I will know who I am better. Focus.