I haven't watched television in two days. Two fucking days. I am having heavy withdrawal. I need a fucking drink. I just texted someone to see if they wanted to sleep together and they said, "No, I need space." And I in turn freaked the fuck out. I am one messed up cookie. I mean seriously. I give up tv and now I want a goddamn cigarette. My BF (well, I'm not sure right now) just turned off his phone because my response to, "Not tonight. I feel like I need space" (I understand this is a valid statement.) was.... Yeah? What do you think it was? I said, "That's cool, sweetie. Have a good night. :)" No!!!!!! I said, "Fuck you." Yeah, that's right folks. I said, "Fuck you." To the person I love. Do you know I don't even say, "Fuck you" to mean strangers or belligerent homeless men? I am out of my gourd right now. I need a fucking cigarette. Or a hundred of those. Fucking shit. Breathe. And don't watch tv. I just juggle my bad habits around. And if I'm not doing any of them, I just turn into a Freakazoid. Does anyone remember that cartoon?
I can do this. I can give up tv and not go buy forties and cigarettes and drive to meet Jill. I am Rick. And Jillian and everyone else. I hear a story about a man who jumped off some weather thing and I wonder what went wrong in his life. Where was the alcohol and the cigs and the drugs and the tv for him? Did he just bypass all that stuff? Man, this is hard. Most times I just feel like I'm passing time before I die. Everything's just a distraction. Infinitesimal doses of morphine.
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